today was technically my first day on my own on tsicu
it was my first day back on day shift
i couldnt sleep last nite
so
i felt like a zombie walkin into work at 636am
with a strong ass coffee in one hand and a gallon of water in the other
so
it started raining
i thought fck this isn't going to be good

"Joy are you ready?!"
"Ready for what??!"
"Your first Level 1 trauma! This person is really sick so get ready!"
" Oh yeah I'm always ready baby!"
I tried to hide the fear and shakiness in my voice

10 mins I walked out of the my patient's room
I see one nurse frantically running down the room pushing the crash cart
My heart was beating so crazy
I ran to the room
There was about 10 people around a stretcher
Some were just in the way
I put on my gloves and basically dived in
"Joy Grab the fckin paramedic students!"
I took off my gloves, washed my hands, ran across the hall and told them
I came back
Washed my hands
Put on another set of gloves
I spiked a few bags of fluid, put them in pressure bags
checking for a femoral pulse on an obese purple patient
"Grab Joy a stool!!!"
Before I knew it I was on my knees on the bed doing compressions
I don't know if you've ever done it on a real person but it is so tiring
With the adrenalin pumping it can wear someone out
There was a line of students behind me but they kept saying let Joy do it let her do it
It was like I was getting initiated
Suddenly they decide to cut the belly open!
Luckily a lil bit of blood got splattered on my pants
Way cool though
The technique and the excitement in these surgical residents
Fckin 28 years old and cutting people open
Then he did his first pericardiocentisis
All of a sudden the family members were allowed in
Why I don't know some hospitals do it
This person had blood coming out of the belly, nose and mouth
I looked back at them and tried not to make eye contact
I could see the fear in their eyes and hear the mom crying so loud
My heart sank
I told them I was done I couldn't do it any more
I walked off the floor and called my mom
I don't know if I can get use to this